Post by presh on Apr 11, 2005 2:27:52 GMT -5
*** warning --- long rant ***
aaaaaaaaah I am freaking out...
i started crying about an hour ago...not clear why, but i am just tired of everything....
i didn't do a thing this weekend...nothing at all...
so i got upset at myself for not getting anything done,
then i got upset for getting upset at myself.
it was so wierd...i haven;t cried like that in a long time... i got scared, and felt like i wanted to not go to school/work tomorrow...but i feel bad for missing that....but i really don't want to see anyone tomorrow (especially since my eyes are all swollen now...)
i can't believe i did this, but i called the night help line at my hospital....i always thought that therapy over the phone was ridiculous, but there i was doing it. i had no idea what else to do. i didn;t want to just sit there and cry...
the lady was ok. she was nice, and it did calm me down. tried to convince me that it is ok to take a day off, and that its ok if i had a lazy weekend....i still dont feel ok about it, but i need to. i cant go to work tomorrow. so i just wrote a message to my prof and boss. i hope they dont ask me what kind of sick i am...i'll have to say that i had 24hour flu or something like that.
i hate missing though, because i actually like what i am doing, but i just cant.
its been so long since i have felt like this....i feel like i have given in somehow....like i wasn't paying enough attention and it snuck up and got me! part of it is that i feel like i ought to be able to deal with this crying stuff now...but i was helpless and desperate and had to call the stupid phone number!
i need to take a break... but it is just not that easy... i feel like i should be doing something, like i shouldn't have to need a break. i feel like i have just leaped backwards... its so disappointing... when i felt like i was getting some sort of handle on things...
i wish i weren't so hard on myself...thats the thing...I am the only one who thinks of me this way...noone else notices enough to care or be bothered by it...so i take a day off, i take a day off...people do that....but to me for some reason i think that it is some sort of luxury that i am not allowed to have....that is so screwed up....
after i calmed down a bit, i remembered that i could come on here...not that i want to throw my stuff at you, but just that i can put it somewhere...you know what i mean.
heh, i think i ought to print this out and take it to the shrink with me tomorrow (luckily i already had an appt!)
**huggs**
aaaaaaaaah I am freaking out...
i started crying about an hour ago...not clear why, but i am just tired of everything....
i didn't do a thing this weekend...nothing at all...
so i got upset at myself for not getting anything done,
then i got upset for getting upset at myself.
it was so wierd...i haven;t cried like that in a long time... i got scared, and felt like i wanted to not go to school/work tomorrow...but i feel bad for missing that....but i really don't want to see anyone tomorrow (especially since my eyes are all swollen now...)
i can't believe i did this, but i called the night help line at my hospital....i always thought that therapy over the phone was ridiculous, but there i was doing it. i had no idea what else to do. i didn;t want to just sit there and cry...
the lady was ok. she was nice, and it did calm me down. tried to convince me that it is ok to take a day off, and that its ok if i had a lazy weekend....i still dont feel ok about it, but i need to. i cant go to work tomorrow. so i just wrote a message to my prof and boss. i hope they dont ask me what kind of sick i am...i'll have to say that i had 24hour flu or something like that.
i hate missing though, because i actually like what i am doing, but i just cant.
its been so long since i have felt like this....i feel like i have given in somehow....like i wasn't paying enough attention and it snuck up and got me! part of it is that i feel like i ought to be able to deal with this crying stuff now...but i was helpless and desperate and had to call the stupid phone number!
i need to take a break... but it is just not that easy... i feel like i should be doing something, like i shouldn't have to need a break. i feel like i have just leaped backwards... its so disappointing... when i felt like i was getting some sort of handle on things...
i wish i weren't so hard on myself...thats the thing...I am the only one who thinks of me this way...noone else notices enough to care or be bothered by it...so i take a day off, i take a day off...people do that....but to me for some reason i think that it is some sort of luxury that i am not allowed to have....that is so screwed up....
after i calmed down a bit, i remembered that i could come on here...not that i want to throw my stuff at you, but just that i can put it somewhere...you know what i mean.
heh, i think i ought to print this out and take it to the shrink with me tomorrow (luckily i already had an appt!)
**huggs**