aaaaaaarrrrrg

[presh]

*** warning --- long rant ***

aaaaaaaaah I am freaking out...
i started crying about an hour ago...not clear why, but i am just tired of everything....
i didn't do a thing this weekend...nothing at all...
so i got upset at myself for not getting anything done,
then i got upset for getting upset at myself.

it was so wierd...i haven;t cried like that in a long time... i got scared, and felt like i wanted to not go to school/work tomorrow...but i feel bad for missing that....but i really don't want to see anyone tomorrow (especially since my eyes are all swollen now...)
i can't believe i did this, but i called the night help line at my hospital....i always thought that therapy over the phone was ridiculous, but there i was doing it. i had no idea what else to do. i didn;t want to just sit there and cry...
the lady was ok. she was nice, and it did calm me down. tried to convince me that it is ok to take a day off, and that its ok if i had a lazy weekend....i still dont feel ok about it, but i need to. i cant go to work tomorrow. so i just wrote a message to my prof and boss. i hope they dont ask me what kind of sick i am...i'll have to say that i had 24hour flu or something like that.
i hate missing though, because i actually like what i am doing, but i just cant.

its been so long since i have felt like this....i feel like i have given in somehow....like i wasn't paying enough attention and it snuck up and got me! part of it is that i feel like i ought to be able to deal with this crying stuff now...but i was helpless and desperate and had to call the stupid phone number!
i need to take a break... but it is just not that easy... i feel like i should be doing something, like i shouldn't have to need a break. i feel like i have just leaped backwards... its so disappointing... when i felt like i was getting some sort of handle on things...
i wish i weren't so hard on myself...thats the thing...I am the only one who thinks of me this way...noone else notices enough to care or be bothered by it...so i take a day off, i take a day off...people do that....but to me for some reason i think that it is some sort of luxury that i am not allowed to have....that is so screwed up....
after i calmed down a bit, i remembered that i could come on here...not that i want to throw my stuff at you, but just that i can put it somewhere...you know what i mean.
heh, i think i ought to print this out and take it to the shrink with me tomorrow (luckily i already had an appt!)

**huggs**

[Rain]

*cuddles presh a lot, calming her down *

Strangely I've been feeling similiar things as you yesterday but in a very self-destructive way. I was sitting and thinking... I know when you're not doing much you will start to think stuff and be negative, especially when you have high standards and want things right. I think you shouldn't feel so bad about yourself for not going to work and school this Monday, don't you always work and go to school? You're good at what you're doing and look at your state, you are very upset, that seems very obvious. You really should rest and enjoy it. Don't feel bad at all about enjoying a day off, I mean you don't always get the chance to really relax and gain energy to do things. Nowadays everyone's working and they dont have time for anything, sometimes not even deal with their feelings, so they work theirself sick and when they ought to enjoy their last days, they are ill and need treatment constantly. In this case Im happy you talked about it with someone and are also doing therapy.

I was also feeling I wasn't being anyone yesterday whilst I really badly want to be someone and meet everyone's expectations. I felt if I continued like this I wouldn't be able to rest, I'd worry myself sick for a really long time unless I end it. Which I was considering... I even found an article in this magazine about ways to die and they are very simple, they even explain the risk. I copied all the pages though I was surpised they'd give so much information.

But hey, you weren't feeling like me (suicidial), you just felt guilty for doing nothing what I feel everyday now. I think since this is so important to you (school/work), you will feel better once you can go back there which should be tomorrow. To me, you're not a bad person at all! *cuddles her more*

[presh]

thanks rain. i had trouble sleeping, and hte worst headache i ever had, so i went out on the couch and i actually slept through the whole night...hasn't happened in a while.
i am realizing now that this is good for me to take a day off. i just still have a hard time justifying it because i just had these two days off too!
its interesting how you said it - like not being anyone . thats really how it is.
well, the suicidal part is always really there in the back of my head... it jsut scares me too much to think about it. if i could, i don't know....
its true we are very similar in the way we think...surprising some times....so if i am not a bad person, then neither are you
i'm gonna go take a nice long hot shower now...

[Rain]

hahaha Of course we will sometimes have similiar feeling, we're all a bunch of depressed people, that's what we have in common, those dark and negative feelings. Only I wouldn't like the thought you feel so bad about yourself for taking three days off, it's really nothing. It's not like you're always doing it and that you're being unresponsible or anything. I really think you did well in just putting some stuff aside and get some time to 'tank' even if it's just to cry out all your emotions of feeling upset of being upset with yourself.

Showering (hot) does miracles, only.. when I do, it takes me hours to get out, it seems my soul is one large piece of iceberg.

[morbid soul]

I hope you girls feel better soon its always hard when things creep up when your busy you forget and find it harder to pick yourself up, having a break now and then is good if we could all work 24/7 we wouldnt need silly machines but having a rest even for a few hours a day is good gives you time to think and reflect on yourself.

dont think you'll be falling behind organise your day and you'll be fine, anyway take care of yourselves now.

*hugs*

[presh]

hey guys,,,
yeah, taking the day off was definitely a good idea. it really loosend things up. things didn't seem so pressing. it also helps me realize how i need to keep paying attention to what is going on inside my head and keep tabs on it...noticing it. unfortunately my therapist was out of town this week so i couldn;'t talk to her about it...well..next week then...things will be better too.

[morbid soul]

good to hear stay safe

[megoboom]

i always feel that way like there is too much work and there will always be and i will not be able to catch up and then i just dont wanna do any work and then i do get behind and then i kinda panick and stuff mayb this is a lil diff but i try to catch up but i cant really get myself into it

[presh]

despite all the mess....somehow it always works out somehow...i mean it has to right?
hang in there

[Rain]

I'd have to agree with you, presh. Sooner or later it all has to work out well.. At least, I find that thought comforting and it gives me hope..

[Freakofftheleash]

I'm sorry to hear what you guys have gone through.

It's true, things do tend to work them selves out, then they go pear shaped, but then they always seem to work them selves out again. I think it's called a vicious circle. But hey, that's life... or is it depression? I dunno, i can't tell the difference.

Rambling aside. Everything in life is just a phase. Sooner or later it'll pass. Just got to sit tight and wait it out.

Not that what i'm saying means shit but i just felt i had to say something.

Anyway, i won't subject you lot to any more of my brain vomit. Here's a funny animation:

www.compfused.com/directlink/707/

---

: (NIN) - 06 - Ruiner.mp3

---

[Rain]

I think your input is greatly appreciated even when you feel it didn't mean anything, to me it does show you at least care.
I like the link you placed, it actually made me laugh. So many monkeyss!

[presh]

that says it pretty well martin. everything is a cycle...there's good and bad and everything inbetween....

that monkey thing is great! haha, gave me a good laugh!

[megoboom]

i guess it depends mostly on the mood cuz if ya feel ya gotta do it ya wanna find a way to do it i guess

[princess]

hmm