(Sexual) Abused

[Rain]

Were you or are you being (sexually) abused?

I don't know if I have mentioned it before but I know the pain and filth abuse give you because I experienced it in the past. It is probably the reason that my relationship with men fail, either they somehow just 'give up' or they treat me like piece of shit (excuse my French but it's the truth). I can not say that there has been a man in my life whom I could talk to and have a nice bond with because I've never known that person.

I only had a great teacher at school who was my counselor, he helped me into seeking support and I remember how he once asked me whether or not I had difficulty talking to him because he was a man and that's true. I feel men are sometimes kind of insensitive as I am like...a recent born kitten, very fragile. So everything their being and behaviour, is very hard to me.

So yeah...

[kittyclub2005]

Yup. I've been abused before and I have yet to meet a man that I trust. I do have relationships, but I'm not very trusting at first because of what happened to me, but everyone I've been with has been able to understand this, but there are still guys out there who think they can say and do anything and you'll just sleep with them. There was this one guy who actually dared to grab my hand and put it on his penis, and when i moved away he dared to say that the next time we see each other (like that'll ever happen) I will give him a blowjob. I swear, the nerve of men!! Let me not start. This would be a long post.

[Rain]

What an asshole!! Seriously, men think they have power over women. I totally HATE that. And really, my brothers are to my disappointment, like that. Though I believe my younger brother would not force any women to have sex with him. The question is, whether or not I know him so well. I wish we both to find men we trust, I know need someone. I know that it takes time to meet someone worthy and who respects you as a woman and doesn't see you as a machine. Women are feelings. Men don't seem to get that.

I can't have it when they are forcing me to do things at all, that's a total turn off. And everyone I met wanted me to do something, which I later did but afterwards felt very bad about. It's pathetic.

WHERE ARE THE GOOD GUYS??

[kittyclub2005]

Hard to find.

[presh]

yes, i was too, when i was a little girl. made me totally inept at any kind of relationship really. made me hate the idea of sex and intimacy....no ability to trust anyone. recently i did some therapy that really helped with empowerment and feeling worthy and deserving of a good life. though i still have flashbacks, they are not nearly as frequent and do not have the same debilitating effect. it is such a strange transition, hard to get used to when the abuse has conquered my mind practically my whole life.

i feel really good lately, this new sense of self and that i do not need the abuse to define me (i'm not sure if that is the right way to describe it, but i can't come up with something better at the moment)
i think that the change has shown to other people too. my classmates for example have invited me out more and included me more. and the most surprising thing is that one of them has asked me out.....i never had someone who wanted to spend so much time with me before. it kinda freaked me out. i didn;'t know what to think, but it ends up he likes me and thank god i have been liking him too.

its been about 2 weeks maybe....i am still up in the clouds trying desperately to convince myself that this is something real and to start believing in it rather than question it constantly. ok, i am almost 24 and this is really my first relationship.

one hurdle was to tell him i am a virgin....he got a bit freaked about it, but is so incredibly patient with me. i feel so comfortable with him. yet, sometimes when i am with him i start crying for no reason. not big crying, but just tears flowing out. i wish i didn't, i wish i knew a different way to show my emotions. perhaps i am on overload and my body reacts that way. i try to explain that i am not sad and that i am not wanting to cry,,,,it just happens. it makes me feel like i am not ready for something like this, but rationally i do feel ready and want to continue.

then too i wonder if i should tell him about the abuse or not....before i have felt obligated to tell it, like i would be hiding something if i didn't. but i don't really feel that same pressure now, because it doesn;t have such a power over me now. if i mentioned it, it could explain the emotional overload and crying, but if me being a virgin freaks him out....telling him of the abuse will just be too much.

i feel safe with this guy, and honestly we have done some things that were done to me as a kid and i was surprised that i didn't freak out myself....it didn't occur to me to later.

anyway, that was really long....i'll stop now.

huggs *

[ghost]

um....
does anybody mind if i maybe ask a question or two?

i know im a guy so id understand completely if you wouldnt want any here....
its just im at a loss with someone i konw whos been abused and i really would like to be a better friend to her if i could
im really at a loss at how to, dunno, reach her i guess

OK im done, sorry if im intruding

[megoboom]

i dont think i was abused im cant really say right now but for Presh maybe you should only let him know when you feel you could trust him cuz i think it is important to tell the truth though you dont havta right away i cant really explain it but im sure you will feel the time when it is right o ya and congrats chika for ghost i personally dont really know cuz i dont even know myself anyway i think you should defo be there for her if she needs to talk much like depression and let her know you care and that you will never hurt her but not only tell her prove it to her in your actions.... anyway i hope this helps yall im not really that good at givin advice though

[presh]

thanks girl!

badskin said:

i think you should defo be there for her if she needs to talk much like depression and let her know you care and that you will never hurt her but not only tell her prove it to her in your actions....

well said indeed
only thing i would add is patience. oh and nice huggs...you feel protected somehow when someone holds you in a sweet and caring way.


and ghost, of course you can input here...that is what it is for

[Rain]

It's very interesting to read your replies and mine can be quite long too.

I'd suggest you ghost to be very patience too, abuse is something very severe as it has influence on your life, the way you behave among people and everything. It is important to let her know that you're nothing like those who abused her. I am not sure if you should hug her as -in my case- I would feel like it's too sexual, having someone's body pressing against me. At this moment I am still having difficulty into keeping a friendly touch from an erotic touch, to me they are both the same and it makes me feel extremely sick. I don't like to be touched by anyone who's not a lover. It is strange but true.

And your input is always welcome. Not all guys are the same, this I know. =)

Presh, I go WOW reading your post. You made such great progress in your life. I think -though I am still doubting whether my abuse is real or not, perhaps I am not wanting to admit it somewhere- that because it happened with someone who was family, I think everyone who maybe rubs my legs or strokes my arm (my mum tends to hug me sometimes, and kiss me and these small things), it makes me feel it's inappropriate, and... It's like they press a button in me, for physical intimacy. I think what has kept me worried and feeling disappointed and wishing I was dead, was that maybe at the end I am thinking that all that happens was pleasurable and that I like it too that someone touches me, while I don't. It's difficult to explain... It's a very complicated emotion and it's definitely not healed and I wouldn't dare to talk to a therapist about this at all. I am not sure anyone experienced something similar. Later, it just got worse. I really don't like to remember it at all, I feel extremely disgusted and sick. I totally can not keep a positive approach from the negative one. I can't.

I am so glad for you that you have that someone special, now. I do think you should tell him the truth. That way he can take your feelings into consideration, he'd understand you better and would be more careful. He'd also understand the reason why you cry when you're with him. Imagine if you decide to be more intimate and then, you somehow don't feel right, he'd be surprised. The truth would simplify things.

Hopefully I will come so far as you've come, having someone who honestly cares about me and also that I can get rid of these confused, tormenting feelings in me.

Huggs and congratulations for your the piece of happiness you found, =)

[presh]

oh, yes rain, i did not mean holding in a sexual way, but i understand about the touching. i had the same thing. i would jerk away at the slightest touch. i think you explain it really well. for so long i felt disgusted with myself for actually wanting sexual things. how could i want to do something so gross.? but i was thinking about it one day, and just said to myself, well its ok if i want it, right?? i mean just because i want to have these experiences does not in any way equate me with the abuse or the abuser. i am not being disgusting, it is natural. its so hard to allow oneself to have these feelings and embrace them. i am so timid and uncertain about these things, but am getting more comfortable with the idea. its hard to dissociate the trauma from real life and real emotions. its funny, these are the very things i talk to my therapist about. sometimes it helps to just be frank and out with it. i still find it hard to talk about sexual things....i don't know the words...

thanks for the advice. i will think about it some more....going to the therapist this afternoon and am gonna ask her about it too.
huggs*~*

[ghost]

its great that you realized you were just being a natural person

[kittyclub2005]

I've realized myself that it's natural, so instead of turning into someone who doesn't wish to be touched, I turned into a nymph.

[presh]

*tee hee

[Rain]

I've always thought if you became a nympho, you were also self-abusing yourself. I read somewhere that nympho's don't really have a beautiful climax during intimacy (I'm sorry if I am getting personal). I can't expect different, it was an unappeasable hunger.. Hunger for something else, which you thought was only physical. I am sure it differs for everyone.

[kittyclub2005]

I dunno. I like being a nymph, though. There's nothing I can complain about.